i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
