sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
