Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
