Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
