At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
