It's Friday. Sex?
I cut my penus on the lid.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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