Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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