My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
