Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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