I think scott just propositioned me for sex
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
