Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So much Jack, so little girl.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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