Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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