We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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