dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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