also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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