I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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