i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
