I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
