I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
