I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
