dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She swung at the pinata with crutches
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I see more hoeing in ur future
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