Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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