Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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