For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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