who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
