Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
