You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
