make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
