btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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