maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize