I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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