my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
