he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
