As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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