It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
