A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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