I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
