after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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