I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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