first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
