The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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