I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
