There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Randomize
