tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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