I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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