We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
