sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
