his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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