She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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