im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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