Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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